#this is a jump but I’m so tired of prioritising everyone else’s feelings

[exopelagic]

yeah I have more to say

[erazonpo3]

Thinking a little bit about Best Girl Nuru and the way she’s often given the role of the Voice of Reason, aka the one with the brain cell, and I’ve spoken a bit about this with @bestworstcase where uh, we gotta remember that taking the only girl of the group, who is the second youngest, and making her the Mature one raises a lot of red flags. (The fact that she is Black is also something that should not be ignored because young Black girls are often treated as though they are older than they are, but rather than a white woman telling you this you can learn more about that through this article with links to said study). 

There’s simultaneously a lot and yet very little that can be inferred about her character given the small amount of original notes she has, and I could go for a more specific reading based on her circumstances but ultimately I’m gonna go for a more broad take of Responsible Characters And You: How to give them flaws that make them feel more like a real person rather than just The Straight Man. 

This is hardly an exhaustive list but I went with the biggest five points I could think of in order to expand on them, but the list can go on and grow more specific. 

Being the ‘Mom Friend’ at your own expense 

This one is probably the biggest one I associate with Nuru, and I think it’d hit particularly hard given her specific situation of being the only girl in the group and also the second-youngest. Let me tell you, straight from personal experience: being the Voice of Reason to a group of teenage boys is like trying to tell a wall to sprout legs and walk around. It’s not gonna happen and you’re just going to tire yourself out. My friends were smart, lovely people but I needed to learn that it wasn’t my job to protect them from themselves. 

It’s normal for a friend group to have ‘the one with the brain cell’ or ‘the mom friend’, but that friend group shouldn’t rely on that person to be their only source of support, or expect them to constantly monitor their decisions. It’s unhealthy for all people involved. You need to be willing to let people make their own mistakes, and not hold it against them when they don’t take your advice. You need to see your friends as independent people who understand their own decisions, and although it can be tricky to balance being supportive while also not encouraging bad decisions, it’s important to figure out. 

The Mom Friend is also often someone who habitually offers emotional support and advice, but keeps their own issues bottled up. They could have more healthy outlets for their personal issues, like a therapist, but this kind of stereotype usually pops up in people who prefer to deal with other people’s problems in order to avoid dealing with their own. Either way, it’s important for this kind of emotional support to be a two-way street, and for friends to recognise that they shouldn’t be relying on just one person for all their help.

Healthy friend groups can navigate this by ensuring everyone can share what they’re struggling with, and by having everyone able to provide some amount of support, whether it’s advice or condolences or just listening; this way it doesn’t fall on just one person to be the therapist or the mom. 

‘Intellectually’ mature but Emotionally immature

So, let’s be straight up: ‘responsible’ kids are usually just kids who respect the authority figures/institutions in their lives, either because they thrive in academic environments or because they have a lot of anxiety about upsetting those figures (or any other reason), but it doesn’t actually say much about their maturity as a person. It’s very easy for a smart kid to fall into the idea that they’re responsible and mature because the adults around them trust them not to cause trouble, but at the same time they can be very behind peers their age in terms of emotional development. 

I’m doing a lot of generalising here to spare us a larger essay about the faults of the education system for both gifted and forgotten ‘troublemaking’ kids, but the idea is that your responsible kid might feel as thought they’re the pinnacle of maturity compared to some of their peers, while at the same time do things like hold petty grudges, give their friends ultimatums, make decisions out of spite and have a general lack of consideration for people they might otherwise care about. These are flaws anyone can have, but it’s a very good way to show that being the smart, responsible kid does not mean you have emotional maturity. 

Circling back to our example character Nuru, we could take her suspicion over Hugo as something she believes is insightful and cynical (mature), but the others see as a grudge and an inability to trust others’ judgement. 

Straight up Immature

Yeah, they’re mature for their age. But that doesn’t mean they’re not still young and inexperienced. Maybe they do have more emotional intelligence and social skills than their peers, but that doesn’t automatically spare them from being gullible, making uninformed decisions, and much worse: being preyed on by people who would take advantage of them.

That last one’s a pretty dark path to take and you’ve got to be ready to deal with that issue from top to bottom if you’re going to go that route, but otherwise the message behind this one is simple: Kids are Kids and they can enjoy juvenile things, where the novelty hasn’t worn off yet, and they can make mistakes simply because they haven’t ever made that mistake before in order to learn from it. 

If your character is under 18, or even if they’re over, they’re allowed to be uninformed and say or do things that hurt others because they don’t understand the implications, and they’re allowed to be a little obnoxious or uncritical of what’s going on around them. Kids be kids. 

Obsession and an inability to see the bigger picture

Following the earlier example, ‘reasonable’ characters are probably people who rely a lot on logical thought processes to make certain decisions. (Note that Logical  =/= Correct or even Sensible, it just needs to abide by whatever the person’s internal rulebook is). That kind of mindset can lead people down rabbitholes and lead to conclusions that only they see, because they’ve jumped through so many mental hoops to reach their destination that nobody else can see how they might have arrived there. 

The expression here is “Can’t see the forest through the trees”, where a person misses the bigger picture of the situation because they’re so deep in the details they can’t see what’s going on. You see it a lot with puzzles that are fairly straightforward that people try to overthink and search for clues because ‘it can’t be that obvious’ when it really is. Thinking twice about something isn’t bad, but sometimes a first impression is the right one too. 

I can definitely see this applying to Nuru, star-chart master, and particularly in conflict with Yong- she has a great eye for detail that often comes in handy! But sometimes keeping your eye on a single star will blind you to their constellations. (Also for a more advanced reading, as a Princess Nuru might be less likely to see institutional problems compared to someone like Hugo). 

Selfish and Privileged perspectives

Keep in mind that prioritising yourself and your own health doesn’t make you a bad person, and being selfish doesn’t mean you lack empathy- it’s just a character flaw that means you have to actively think about other people and how your actions/inaction might affect them. A lot of people, especially ones who are raised in privileged positions, aren’t used to factoring in other people when it comes to making decisions. It comes down to “how will X thing affect me?” and they go from there, without thinking about how X affects others. 

This can be paired with socio-economic privilege, in which people who enjoy the benefits of a particular social system don’t pay much attention to how it fails others, or perhaps they know and make excuses that relieve them of any guilt (or maybe they don’t really care at all, so long as they’re winning). The remedy to this is education, and learning from the people who are disadvantaged the way in which certain social systems fail them and ways in which they can be improved. It also means committing to those improvements, even if they may come at your expense. 

In regards to Nuru being a Princess, there’s definitely a lot to unpack. I imagine her kingdom isn’t very wealthy (relatively- they’re far from destitute), given that it spends all its money on rebuilding infrastructure and apparently doesn’t have the resources to send a bodyguard or even a LIW along with Nuru on her journey. Nonetheless I think her position of privilege is a good place to start if you want to give her some sweet flaws

a few more ideas I won’t expand much on

Jealousy (ties in with Emotional Immaturity)

Overly Risk-Averse (The man who sleeps with a hatchet is a fool every night but one, but his friends still think he’s a fool most nights. Ouch.)

Insecurity (Do they have doubts? Of course they do.) 

Overly Emotional (Not always a flaw, but can impact their judgement)

Just straight up bad with emotions (Maybe they have trouble empathising with others?)

[prettywordsyouleft]

How To Love

Summary: Brian hoped taking you out on a date would help you both connect more like most couples did. Except, with him being a ghost, going on a date proves to be harder than either of you anticipated.

Pairing: Brian Kang x reader (ft. Day6)

World: Spiritual Connection (masterlist HERE)

Genre: ghost au / angst-fluff / valentines au

Warnings: none

A/N: Happy Valentines to everyone who celebrates it! As promised at Christmas, we are returning to our beloved manor house to see how the ghosts are doing. I did want to write about them all but it appears Brian was a little needy this time around so he got a story all to himself! I hope you enjoy it.

For those new to this world, this story’s context won’t make any sense without reading the previous stories before this. They are linked in the masterlist shared above.

Word count: 6292

Placing down the book he had just completed, Brian let out his umpteenth sigh for the day. It wasn’t the book’s fault. He had read this story many times over his years of existence and usually it held his attention well.

Tonight, however, Brian was too distracted to let the words fully infiltrate his mind, his thoughts wandering towards the dilemma he was faced with.

Things at the seaside manor had been going well. In fact, business hadn’t been better. Although it hadn’t been long since Christmas break, as soon as the doors reopened, guests would come and go every week in larger volumes than before. And whilst Brian was thrilled that your bed and breakfast venture had really taken off, it had some disadvantages.

Since you were spending your Saturday evening entertaining your guests whilst he was stuck in the study alone.

Glancing down at the love story he had been attempting to read, Brian lifted his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. For someone who didn’t feel the same as he had when he was alive, he could still sense the weariness within his soul. He was tired of all of the distinctions between you and him, and reading about a love that held different worries than he had couldn’t ease his mind or heart.

Brian craved something more tangible to his existence. Since his death, over a century had passed by. And during that time, he hadn’t really questioned a lot about anything. Sure, he had his profound moments, inspired to write his feelings down in poetry. But that was it. He had accepted his time and place in this realm. Yet, just because he was dead, didn’t mean his emotions had died off.

Had that happened, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.

And it was due to the intensity of such emotions that everything felt insufferable right now.

“Here you are!” a voice called and it perked him instantly, despite it being more masculine than your tone. Turning to look in Dowoon’s direction, Brian gave his friend a curious look. “I should have known to find you inside of a book!”

“What’s up?”

“Sungjin and I are going to go walk Custard down the beach. You keen?”

Smiling lightly, Brian thought how peaceful that would be. Custard was Dowoon’s pride and joy, a dog you had got for his friend for Christmas. Brian was certain Dowoon loved his canine friend more than anyone else in this house. Custard was all too eager to spend every moment – awake or asleep – with Dowoon too.

Now I’m jealous of a dog, Brian lamented, shaking his head softly. Whilst the thought of stretching his legs and attempting to take in the salty air of the sea did sound enticing, he could already see who he wanted to do that with.

And it wasn’t Dowoon, Custard or Sungjin, sadly.

“Maybe another time.”

“Alright, suit yourself! Ah, if you get peckish, Sarah has made her infamous brownie for the house guests and served up the edges on a plate in the kitchen.”

Brian chuckled. “Peckish? Us dead folk don’t need to eat.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t a nice concept now and then,” the tall man suggested with a shrug, giving Brian a final look before departing the room.

He contemplated the idea. Brian’s thoughts shifted back to the first time he shared a drink with you when you moved into the manor house as an adult. No longer were you simply the child who grew up in this house each summer when visiting Pearl, your grandmother. You had arrived and stirred a lot more than the dust and bric-a-brac left behind with her passing. Brian found himself smiling at the many times after you had both shared a meal together.

Maybe, Dowoon was right.

Pushing back his chair, Brian made his way out of the study and down to the kitchen, stopping in the threshold when he overheard the conversation between the occupants of the room.

“Shh! What if someone hears you talking? It will look like you’re talking to yourself!”

“Wonpil, don’t be so silly! Everyone’s being entertained in the main living room right now. We’re completely alone down here.”

“You make it sound as if you like that idea,” his friend mentioned and Brian cleared his throat noisily, his bitterness overshadowing any guilt he felt at breaking up the couple’s alone time. Wonpil, clutching his heart, heaved a little with his fright. “You could have given us fair warning!”

“Why? Your heart won’t jump out of your chest with a little scare,” Brian remarked, reaching for a piece of brownie on the table. He held it up and smiled. “I was told to come for this.”

“Yes, but Sarah’s heart could and as much as that could simplify things, I’d much rather she live out a full life until she joins us in the afterlife.”

The only living human in the room swatted a bashful hand out at Wonpil. “Stop it!”

“I won’t! You are special to me how you are!”

And that signalled Brian’s departure from the kitchen, unsure if the brooding overwhelming him stemmed from the fact that he couldn’t really taste the chocolatey goodness of the treat within his hand that he nibbled on, or because he had to agree with Wonpil to some extent.

If you weren’t just like Sarah, someone who possessed a beating heart, that would simplify things. You would be on a level playing field. Brian knew nothing was ever truly equal in relationships – dead or alive. Still, it would mean you wouldn’t be doing everything so separately. He couldn’t help you run the guest house. He wasn’t able to assist you with your guests like Sarah could. Of course, he did his fair share around the manor where he could, and you were always grateful for that. But it didn’t change the fact that if he walked into the living room right now, only you would see him. Further, you couldn’t interact with him other than in subtle ways that wouldn’t bring attention to the living.

Sensing movement by the front door that he had mindlessly wandered towards, he gave a small smile to Jae who was slipping into his jacket.

“Oh bro! Had enough of the books?”

Shrugging loosely, Brian rocked back on his heels. “What are you up to? Do you want-”

Jae tipped his head to the side as he brushed down the collar to his jacket and then grinned. “Me? It’s date night.”

“A-Again?” Brian breathed incredulously and his friend nodded.

“You know how it is. Married life is all about making sure you keep things fresh and healthy. Date night is a part of that.”

Swallowing down a bitter curse that he, in fact, did not know how any of it was, Brian smiled again, albeit more strained this time. “Where are you going?”

“Downtown theatre.”

“Aren't they only showing Little Women right now? You saw that last week.”

“Gotta keep the Mrs happy, Brian,” Jae announced and then smiled as his Mrs, also known as Becky, came into view.

Her ruby lips twisted up with disdain. “I heard you.”

“I know you did and that was why I kept my talk decent,” Jae quipped, leading his wife out the front door of the manor house with a hasty farewell wave to Brian as he left him behind.

Brian sighed heavily once the pair had gone. Even if they bickered more often than not, he was jealous of them. At least, they prioritised having a date night.

Had he ever gone out on a date with you? Sure, he spent most of his time in your company. You would wake up together, run errands in town or the closest city, sometimes walking along the beach like the others were right now. On the odd occasion, if you didn’t pass out early from exhaustion from running the bed and breakfast, you would curl up in his arms and catch up or read books together. Eventually though, you would fall asleep and a new day would arrive just like that.

Time never had much value to him until he started being with you. It felt like there was never enough of it, moments stolen in between house chores and setting up for new arrivals.

The longer he went through the catalogue of his moments with you in his mind, he realised he had never gone out of his way to call anything a date. Glancing at the large event board by the coat closet, he moved closer to inspect the decorated part of the calendar, indicating that Valentine’s Day was just around the corner. Smiling, he finished his piece of brownie with more enthusiasm before clapping his hands together.

He knew what he had to do.

You smiled brightly when you felt arms slip around your waist from behind you, instinctively leaning back and allowing Brian to step in closer. You nuzzled into him briefly. “Well hello, handsome.”

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” You gestured to the various hues of pink and red that you were using to decorate the living room. “It’s the month of love.”

“The month of love?” he echoed, chuckling softly. “I thought Valentine’s was only a day in February. One in which, I’m certain I heard you proclaim was not your cup of tea.”

Turning around in his arms, Brian grinned at your expression. You scrunched your nose up further. “If I’m honest, it is really cliché. I mean, you should show your partner that you love them every day, right?”

He didn’t answer, simply staring back at you and hoping that you could feel what he did deep down. Brian never questioned your love for him. He just wished you realised how you prioritised him in your schedule.

And how little lately.

“However, from a business standpoint, Valentine’s is the perfect time to whisk your loved one off somewhere to have a little rendezvous. We’re completely booked out for the entire week that Valentine’s falls on.”

Brian’s mood dampened. “Really? You didn’t plan to have even one day off?”

“Now why would I do that?” you questioned, moving away from him to return to your decorations.

“Because you did during Christmas.”

You laughed and shot him a look. “There’s a huge difference between both events. Besides, we had a Christmas wedding to plan for.”

“Would it take another wedding for you to take time off again?” he wondered with a heavy breath and you stopped hanging the balloons, turning back to him.

“Are you okay?”

“I was hoping we could have some time together that week. A whole day, actually.”

You cocked your head to the side, intrigued. “Why?”

“Do you know we’ve never gone on an actual date, Y/N?”

“We haven’t?” Brian shook his head and you fell silent.

“Becky and Jae go on one almost every week.”

“That’s because they can.”

“Why can’t we?” he asked, a little hurt by your response. You could tell and swallowed slowly. “Because I’m not alive?”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” you mumbled, guilt washing over you. “Not at all. Hey! We do things together all the time! We just went to the city together last week.”

“To pick up plant boxes for the vegetable patch.”

“It was fun though. And it was just you and me.”

Brian sighed. “I meant, intentional time together. I want to do things with you like a proper couple does.”

“Can we do that?” you breathed and immediately shook your hands to dismiss your doubt. “Of course we can. We will!”

“You’ll give me one day of your time?”

“How about the day before Valentine’s?” you offered and Brian began to smile. You, however, looked stressed. “I’ll just ask Sarah to step up a bit whilst we’re gone. We will have the best date ever!”

He should have known with your hesitance that this date of yours would be a disaster.

Still, when you met him out in the foyer by the front door, Brian felt hopeful. You had put in some effort to how you looked; wearing one of the dresses he knew you had dug out of your grandmother’s wardrobe. It looked perfect on you and with a hooked arm extended out to you, Brian allowed you to curl a hand around it before leading the way out to the car.

For the trip to the city, you were both excited. Conversation flowed freely as did a lot of singing. He could see how affected you were after he sang along to a Michael Buble song on the radio, the hand he had held the whole trip growing a little clammy. It satisfied Brian to know he had charms about him still.

But it all turned pear-shaped when you pulled up at the restaurant you had made a reservation at. The maître d looked at you and then frowned. “Is your lunch partner running late?”

“What? No,” you answered, smiling at Brian and then swallowing down your easy reaction. Brian stiffened at your side. “Oh. Yes, they are.”

“I’m afraid right now we’re really busy and so we’ll have to seat you up at the bar. We’ll be able to find you a table when you’re ready.”

“Can’t I just be seated at a table for two regardless?”

He shook his head at your request. “Sorry, it’s our restaurant’s rules.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Brian breathed into your ear but you shook your head subtlety.

“I’ll just go somewhere else,” you announced, turning on your heel and hurrying back out to the car.

Brian stared at you when he was seated next to you again. Your cheeks were red and he could tell it wasn’t only with annoyance. He caressed your face softly. “I didn’t think that would be a rule in a restaurant.”

“It’s fine. We’ll still eat together, Brian. Who needs to go to a restaurant like that? Even though I look like this, I can eat anywhere!”

You both ended up in the food court, your determination now tapered out as you sat across from him staring down at your sushi. The noise within the eatery was louder than the ambience at your first stop and Brian pushed down his disappointment.

This wasn’t where he wanted to take you out to eat today.

“It’s fine,” you mentioned again when you caught his gaze, smiling for his benefit. “I love sushi.”

“I know you do.”

“What’s next on the list after eating?” you asked and Brian reached out for your hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I thought we could go to the museum together.”

You brightened. “I haven’t been in years.”

“It’ll be fun. You love old things,” he commented and you slyly grinned at him whilst nodding.

“You know, I really do.”

With your lunch eaten, you got back in the car to head to the museum together. A renewed energy stepped between you both as you began to look around, Brian swinging your hand in his gently as you walked around.

“Oh look!” you exclaimed, dragging him over to the Victorian section. You lit up as you inspected a selection of men’s outfits. Looking at Brian and then back at the mannequins, you giggled. “Are any of these looks for you?”

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in number three,” he breathed and you giggled. Looking towards the casual outfit on the end, Brian pointed. “That was more like me.”

“Oh, now that is very you!” you exclaimed, looking at his modern outfit and then back at what was once the type of clothes he wore. “Maybe you should try them on again?”

“I’d rather stay like this,” he announced quickly, pulling you away from the display.

For the following hour, it felt as close as it could to a date for Brian. Of course, there were a couple of instances where other viewers would step too close to him and he’d have to sidestep away quickly to avoid being walked through. Still, he was having a lot of fun and he could tell you were as well.

Yet, Brian had become aware of a small group that had been following you both around the museum, and more so of their stares in your direction.

“Who is she talking to?”

“She’s weird, don’t look at her.”

Brian attempted to ignore the jeers from them for some time before he let out a sigh, stepping in front of you with a weak smile. You placed a hand on his torso affectionately. “Hm? What’s wrong?”

“Pull out your phone.”

“It’s already in my hand,” you pointed out, now confused. “I’ve been taking photos!”

“I mean, pull it up to your ear. Do you have your earbuds? Maybe put one in.”

You slowly looked around yourself, realising what he was referring to. Brian closed his eyes to maintain his emotions, hating that you were now aware of the people whispering and looking. He wondered if it would have been better to leave you oblivious to it all.

Forcibly smiling, you pulled out your earbuds and angled your phone towards yourself so it looked like you were on a call. And from that moment out, the trip to the museum became subdued.

“Let’s forgo the gift shop and head back to the car, hm?” he offered when you had made your way back around to the exit, your head lowered in defeat. Brian rubbed your arms softly. “We can go and-”

“I want to find something to remember this outing by,” you mumbled, stepping away from him and going into the gift store. It took a few minutes for your head to lift back up to a level you could maintain without feeling uncomfortable. He could see in your eyes that you were trying to salvage the trip here. Stepping over to your side, he pointed at an arrangement of keyrings with the museum’s logo on it.

“What about one of those?”

You shook your head. “Anyone could have one of them. I want something more us.”

It was a slow process of finding something that you liked. A couple of times you got excited over an item and turned to show him it, only to stop mid-way and cast your gaze around the tiny shop to see if anyone was watching.

It was a keyring and magnet that you eventually settled on, your mood had fallen to a level that he felt he couldn’t retrieve it from. Still, Brian attempted to. “Do you want to go shopping? I’m sure we could cheer up looking at stores together.”

“I do need to get a couple of things from the mall,” you agreed quietly, driving the car to the closest one. With yourself fully armed this time from the start, you relaxed into your experience at the mall. You had done this many times together and perhaps that was why you seemed to grow your confidence again.

“Oh, let’s look in here!” you exclaimed, walking hastily towards a jewellery store. As you browsed, Brian lingered at your side, trying not to take much notice of the items. He didn’t know how to act within such a place. Of course, he wanted to take a deeper look at everything they had in stock. Although he might be a little outdated, even back in his times, he knew the importance of a fine gemstone on a necklace or ring. It made him uncomfortable because he wanted nothing more than to find something for you.

“Anything caught your eye?” you murmured when you looked back at him and Brian shrugged. Smiling, you grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the display boxes. Everything was so sparkly; it took him several blinks to actually focus on anything. You squeezed his hand before letting go, wandering around the store whilst he remained where you placed him.

Brian’s eyes were stuck on a delicate pendant. It held a blue stone within its centre, the metal surrounding it linked in a unique way to hold it together. He decided it reminded him of his love for you.

Brian didn’t even realise he was crying until he felt his cheeks were wet. You approached him calmly, peering at what caught his eye. “It’s gorgeous.”

“It is.”

“Blue topaz is your birthstone too, did you know that?”

He hadn’t but there was no way he could reply, overwhelmed by the pure need for the necklace. His eyes travelled to the price tag and sighed.

A ghost couldn’t exactly purchase anything.

“Excuse me,” you called out and Brian turned to stare at you, somewhat disconnected in the moment. He didn’t hear the rest of your sentence, but when the necklace was taken from the display and you stepped away from his side, he knew what you had done. Walking out of the store, he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, collecting himself when you bounced up to his side and waggled the gift bag. “Here you go! Ah, I’ll carry for you until we’re back at the car!”

“Why did you do that?”

You beamed at him. “Because I could see what it meant to you.”

“I wanted to get it for you,” he explained and your smile evaporated. “I can’t even get you a god damn gift!”

“Brian,” you started but he shook his head, storming away from you and going back out to the car. He laughed bitterly when he was able to slip inside without you unlocking it. Because he wasn’t bound to the same world as you were. Although he could touch you and all the things that your realm held, he wouldn’t ever truly exist in it.

This date had been the worst idea he could ever have. It highlighted all his fears. Inside the manor house, you never seemed unattainable, apart from your endless working hours. But stepping out of the house he had stayed close to for the last century and trying to do something that normal people did had been foolish. Jae and Becky were an anomaly. Brian had learned today that dating was only for people who both either had hearts that moved or had turned to dust years ago.

Brian was in the study again, this time no book was held within his grip. Instead, you had left him with the small gift bag and headed into your bedroom, locking the door behind you, your tears muffled as he had listened on until he couldn’t take it any longer.

Looking down at the velvet case on the table, Brian snapped the lid open and stared at the necklace you had bought in his stead. He closed the lid with a sigh, only to open it again, repeating his actions even though they were taking quite a toll on his energy levels. He hadn’t expected going out on a date with you to be so exhausting.

No wonder Jae always crashed the day after his outings with Becky.

The door to the study opened and closed, though Brian had no interest in tearing his gaze away from the jewellery box before him. He blinked when a hand picked it up and a low whistle left the man before him. Sungjin then chuckled. “Wow, this is real nice.”

Brian gave no response, though his fingers reached out to touch the velvet once it was back on the table.

“Did you steal it?”

“That would take a lot of energy though perhaps I would feel more at ease had I.”

Sungjin chuckled softly. “No, it wouldn’t make you feel any better. And Y/N would have felt bad too. It’s best to do things in their realm the legal way.”

“Did … did you steal something?” Brian asked, glancing up and seeing the answer in Sungjin’s face. He gaped at his friend. “What was it?”

“A brooch,” he admitted, toying with the stack of books on the edge of the desk.

Brian sucked in a dramatic breath when he realised it was the one Pearl had worn all the time. “That brooch? I thought Pearl bought it!”

“My pride was knocked around from that ordeal. It sucks having to step back when it comes to dating though, huh?”

Brian nodded glumly. “I wanted to drive the car.”

“And hold open the doors?” Sungjin offered in which his friend agreed to with another nod.

“I wanted to make Y/N feel special and enjoy herself. Instead, all we did was constantly remind one another of our differences.”

“The only true difference you both have are that you were born over a century and a half ago and Y/N is from this time we’re existing in now. Your morals will be outdated in her world.”

“Hardly, there’s more and you know it.”

Sungjin shrugged, though his gaze was less nonchalant. “There’s only more if you allow them to be there. Why focus on the unimportant stuff?”

“Sungjin, the fact that I’m dead and Y/N’s not is kind of important.”

“Is it? I wasted far too many years of Pearl’s life thinking just like that, you know. To her, all she cared about was her feelings for me and mine of hers. All couples have to learn to compromise and accept how the other is. You’ve been doing that all along. Before this desire of yours to be more than you are, you were working well together, Brian.”

“Were we? I felt like I never did anything with her,” Brian lamented and his friend moved around the desk to pat him on the shoulder.

“So tell Y/N that, not me. You didn’t need to go all out on some fancy date to let her know what’s really been bothering you.”

“Is this how Y/N feels after talking with you?” he breathed as he got to his feet and Sungjin grinned.

“Hey, I have a lot of experience with this kind of thing. It took me a damn long time to get here though. I don’t want to see either of you spend decades stuck in the wrong situation like I did with Pearl.”

“I wouldn’t let even a year pass by being away from Y/N,” Brian replied and Sungjin clapped him on the back.

“See, you’re already ahead of me. Now, how about you go let her know how you’ve been feeling!”

You were already asleep when Brian quietly entered your bedroom, slipping into the bed tentatively. When he had been alive, he had dated briefly and so the only arguments he had experienced were with those of his friends and family. Now in his afterlife, you had been his first true love. He didn’t know what was practical to do within the delicate situation afterwards, no matter how many relationships he had studied within novels over the decades. He laid still beside you, chewing on his lip until your body shifted closer, your arm soon flung over him. Brian reached for your hand gently, drawing it up to his chest and placing it there instead.

He knew when the morning arrived that he would tell you everything. Until then, he would enjoy the proximity you sought after as you dreamed, your body now pressed into him at multiple spots.

Despite his lack of actual sleep, Brian felt well-rested when you finally opened your eyes. And he smiled when you didn’t move away from him when you realised how curled up you were next to him.

“Morning.”

“Hi,” you breathed, swallowing visibly. “Brian, I’m sorry-”

“Can I go first?” he interrupted, smiling at you more warmly. He reached out to brush some of your hair away from your face. “I’ve been waiting all night long to tell you how I feel and I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

“Did you not sleep?” He shook his head softly and you gasped. “Brian! You should have woken me up so you could get some sleep after talking!”

“I don’t need to sleep every night, remember?”

“Still,” you mumbled, pouting for effect.

“Can I tell you my thoughts?” he asked and you nodded softly, your gaze not leaving his. Brian smiled, reminding himself to actually start talking instead of admiring the way you respected that he needed to talk. He felt foolish for a fleeting moment.

He knew he could have told you all this before and you would have listened at any stage.

“I took you out on that date yesterday because I had convinced myself that was what was missing from us. I saw everyone around us doing their own thing with those that matter the most to them and believed that to do that with you too, I needed to step up, to do more couple focused events.”

“I did enjoy the concept of going out with you, Brian.”

“I know,” he told you, reaching out to cup your cheek in his hand, his thumb gently running along your skin. “And in the future, I hope we can do other things together out of the house. But the real reason for my attempt is that I stopped valuing my place here with you,”

You frowned. “What do you mean? You are everything to me!”

“So is your business,” he pointed out, sighing when your brows knitted together. “I started to feel it was easier to focus on the living as opposed to me because their needs are more visible here.”

Touching his neck with your hand, you smiled. “You’re visible to me too. But I do understand, I think. Things have been really busy when people started asking for longer stays and I went from working a certain amount of days to seven days a week.”

“Are you tired?”

You nodded. “I thought I had to prove more of myself with running the bed and breakfast. I got greedy from my success. Even when I was tired, I was consumed with doing better.”

“I wish I could help you with it and that we could run this together. But my place here doesn’t stand out as much as yours.”

“Really? You’re my favourite to talk about around the fireplace. A lot of people leave here charmed by this mysterious man they have seen the portrait of in the hallway. Don’t tell the others but you’re a crowd favourite. Must be these handsome looks of yours.”

Brian smirked. “I think it’s all down to how much you talk me up.”

“You know, it’s not the same, but I hope you know you’re welcome in the room during the times when I’m entertaining. You’ve shared your stories with me in the past and I relay them. But you could be there to help me with them. And in return, I’ll try to find balance with how much I let this place overrun me. As much as I love sharing my joy for the manor, all the people who live here are the true reason this house is magical to me. You are my longest friend, Brian. Before all this-”

You gestured between you both with a proud smile before continuing. “-you and the others were my five childhood friends who I felt safe around. I still feel safe here and I don’t believe I’m missing out on anything just because I can’t go eat in a fancy restaurant with you. I’d much rather cook together here.”

“Do you know I adore how honest you are?” he wondered, moving to rest his forehead on yours. “Here I was withholding my feelings because I worried we weren’t real enough.”

“Oh, we’re real, Brian. I realised yesterday on the trip home that I was more embarrassed with myself than I was with our unique relationship. I don’t need approval from anyone but myself to love you.”

“If you could choose to wait for a lifetime where we’re alive together or keep what we have now, even with its differences, would you still choose now?”

You nodded immediately and his heart soared. “Of course. Besides, you promised along with Jae, Dowoon, Wonpil and Sungjin that you’d stay with me here until I’m joining you all over in the afterlife. This is just the entrée to our love together.”

“Are you hungry? You keep talking about food,” he asked with a chuckle and you giggled, nodding.

“I want to go make pancakes.”

“Why pancakes?”

“Well, it’s a special day for a lot of our guests but more so for us.”

“It is?”

You nodded. “Don’t you remember one year where I stayed here as a kid because my parents had to go on a business trip and my grandmother was unwell so you five all stood over the stovetop attempting to make a batch of pancakes for me to eat?”

“You remember that? God, I have all the time in the world to replay my existence and yet you recall that far more easily than I would. Was that Valentines Day?”

You nodded, pulling away from him and padding across your room to a familiar book on your shelf, slipping something out of it. Coming back over to the bed, you crawled to his side and handed over the card. Brian chuckled as he opened it. “You still have this?”

“You were my first Valentine.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in today?”

“I believe love should be shown every day, I’ve admitted that. But I do believe in this day. Not for the reason a lot of others do, just for the fact that it makes me think of you all.”

Brian leaned in to kiss you before brushing your hair away from your face. “You were my first Valentine too.”

“I doubt it. I bet you had ladies lining up for your hand. Look at you! So charming that even the mistresses of the house you served no doubt harboured feelings for you!”

“Are you jealous if they did?” he wondered, following you as you got up from the bed and headed out into the hallway, taking the path to the kitchen. Since it was early, none of the guests were out of their rooms yet.

You shot Brian a look. “Why be jealous when I have you now!”

“Who’s jealous?” Jae enquired when you both arrived in the kitchen, Brian surprised by the full turn out. Aside from Sarah who hadn’t stayed at the manor last night, the full-time residents were all seated at the table in the room.

“I am!” Sungjin proclaimed, pointing to everyone in the room. “Pearl can’t come to visit any time soon like she did over Christmas. Look at all these couples around me.”

Wonpil shook his head. “My love isn’t here yet.”

“Love? So it’s to that point already?” Becky breathed in amazement, clasping her friend’s hand in hers. And then she turned to you. “Y/N, is there a reason you wanted us all here today?”

“It’s pancake day,” you announced and went to retrieve two boxes of premixed pancake mix from the cupboard.

Dowoon grinned and stopped rubbing his dog’s tummy. “You really trust us to make these?”

“I think we’ll be tempting fate again,” Jae agreed, shuddering as Becky stared at her husband in confusion. Jae sighed heavily. “We were in charge of feeding Y/N one year when Pearl was unwell. It took us forty minutes to serve up the world’s worst breakfast.”

“It was my favourite breakfast,” you corrected, handing a box to Sungjin and Wonpil each. “And it’s Valentines. Can’t we all have some time together before I go make my guests feel the magic in the air or whatever it is?”

It was chaotic, to say the least. Still, after all the years that had passed, none of them had mastered the art of cooking in your realm. It wasn’t as if they truly needed to, given spirits didn’t need food to sustain themselves like you did. But thankfully this time, Becky was here and she managed to deter Jae from putting too much batter onto the pan at a time.

Watching everyone with a smile on his face, Brian quietly left the room to retrieve the necklace from the study, taking it out of the velvet box and marvelling at it as he carried it back to the kitchen. It would take him some time to fully accept his pride would be knocked about in this relationship. He decided he would attempt to make you things in the future when wanting to give you a proper gift. Still, he knew that this came from him despite how it fell into his hands.

And when Brian saw you again, he didn’t hesitate to sling it around your neck, doing up the clasp to the chain. You turned and slipped your arms around his waist. “I love you, Brian.”

“I love you too.”

“Hey, Valentine’s is for us all right?” Dowoon exclaimed and clapped his hands together. “I love you all! But I love Custard justttt a bit more.”

“Just a bit? I’m offended.”

“Jae, do you love me more than everyone here or not?” Becky offered with a smile and he chuckled.

“No, I love everyone more than you.”

“Hey!”

And just like that, the room filled with laughter and exclamations, much like it always did when you all were together.

And as Brian held your hand within his, he realised that he liked Valentine’s a whole lot more than he ever had. It wasn’t about being the perfect date. Or having the best relationship either. Even though he had new ideas and couldn’t wait to spend more alone time with you.

But for now, he was surrounded by everyone he adored. And if Valentine’s was the day of love, then he knew he would be full from this year’s one.

_________________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

[DAY6 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

[spideyspence]

no one nowhere knows me better than you ; tom holland

and it’s done wow. my lil bby is done oh my gosh. this is my first little series that i wrote and sorry that this has taken quite a while. i had 3 assignments to do for school and and i was prioritising school over this fic. so it’s done, i hope you guys enjoyed. i’m going to say thank you again to @jazzyjoc for proof reading this and i apologise for any spelling mistakes. 

thank you all for joining me on this lil journey.

masterlist 

part one ; part two

You stood there in your apartment with the music blasting through the speaker in the kitchen, dancing and wearing a hoodie.

This time, the hoodie wasn’t Tom’s.

You loved oversized hoodies and you knew that the way to get over Tom (for good) was to pack away the clothing he never came to pick up. You put them in a card box, to be forgotten at the back of your wardrobe. You went out shopping and bought five new ones, and you called it ‘self-care’ which seems funny, but it was what you needed.

You had tried to rush getting over Tom, but now you knew that it wasn’t an overnight thing. It never would be because your relationship with him meant so much to you.

Over the music you don’t hear the door knock on the door, nor were you expecting it. It was only when your speaker turned off to sound your phone ringing that you heard the knocks on the doors. You see your close girlfriends all standing around, one ending a call which quietened your phone.

‘Oh my gosh, sorry guys I’ve just been caught up lately.’ You apologise.

Your friends brush it off as you continue back into the kitchen and they follow you into your apartment.

-

It’s been a couple of hours and you and your friends are completely smashed. Starting off with a nice glass of red wine and then someone revealing that they had a bottle of vodka in their bad.

Your original plan for the night was a nice chat with your friends with a glass of red wine, and that being it. The bottle of vodka was not on the agenda but with the events of that night, you don’t regret it at all.

‘So, Y/N, how are you going with Tom?’ One of your friends said to you, wanting to know how you were going, if you were getting over the man.

‘Tom? Tom who? I’ve moved on. I don’t need anything other than you girls, my hoodies and this great shot of vodka I’m about to drink.’ You laughed as you drowned the liquid that burned your throat.

Your friends joined you in your laugh but in your drunken state you still managed to lie well. You were getting over the boy, but you still needed him.

You missed him.

After a few more shots, your friends decided to call it a night at 11pm. You were a bit shocked at their early departure, but they said that they were officially tired and a couple of them were about to crash.

You offered for them to just stay where they were and to let them borrow some of your clothes so they could just fall asleep in the spare room or even the couch. They insisted on going home though.

So, they called an Uber and went home. It again, wasn’t the night you had planned, but you still enjoyed the night.

You were still buzzing from the alcohol and you weren’t ready to go to sleep yet. You were also lonely, which you weren’t surprised about because that’s one of the things that usually happens when you’re alone and drunk.

That’s why sober you would be disappointed in your decision to call Tom, but she would understand.

She also wouldn’t regret the decision.

‘Tommy, it’s an emergency.’ You whine when he answers the phone.

‘Y’N, what’s wrong?’ He says, panicked but also confused.

You both hadn’t talked nor caught up in too long. You were both distant and it was hurting the two of you. Everyone around you both could see it, but you couldn’t see the pain you were causing one another.

‘I’m all alone. My friends have gone home, and I miss you and I’m lonely.’ You mumble but after so many years of Tom knowing you like the back of his hand, he understood.

‘Do you want me to come over?’ Tom says, slowly and carefully.

‘Yes please.’ You say with a drunken, soft smile.

-

Tom turns up at your place half an hour later, and when you open the door you give him a hug.

In your intoxicated state, you didn’t focus in on the look of tiredness on the curly-haired boys face, like he hadn’t been sleeping properly. His hair was all over the place, but when he wasn’t working, he just let them roam free. You would always run your fingers through his hair, one, because he loved the feeling, two, his curls are so soft.

You missed your best friend, even if you still felt that little pull of your heartstrings whenever you saw him, missing him hurt more than that pull.

Tom smiles as he looks at you, neither saying a word. You invite him in as you jump on the couch and wrap yourself up in a blanket.

‘Guess what Tom, I’m a burrito.’ You joked as you rolled around, trapped on the blanket. You laughed as if it was the funniest joke you had made, and Tom laughs along with you.

How could he not? The reflection from the light in your eyes is a place that Tom never wants to leave. Your laugh always being contagious and managing to stir emotions in his stomach that make him feel like he’s just seeing you for the first time all over again.

You grab the remote and turn on the TV because when you were drunk, you tended to be a lot more stubborn than sober you.

You continue watching Orange is the New Black, a show your friends had been nagging you to watch but when two of the characters start to have sex, you had to protect your best friend.

You jump over to him and cover his eyes with your hand.

‘Y/N, what are you doing?’ Tom chuckles.

‘It’s a naughty scene, I have to cover your eyes. It’s a sex scene and you’re still this small,’ you say as you indicated with your index finger and your thumb that Tom is about a centimetre ‘small’. ‘You need to be protected, you’re not old enough to watch this kind of stuff.’

Tom laughs at your childish acts and when the scene finishes, you return to your previous spot on the couch and watch the rest of the episode.

Tom could be watching the show but instead he’s watching you. How you seem so much more relaxed around him but what scares him is he doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or not. He wants things to go back the way they were prior to him and you dating but he doesn’t want to have to continue to look at you every time with this sense of longing.

-

It’s now one in the morning and you have both watched two episodes of the Netflix show and you’re about to pass out. You’re warm with the blanket around you so you fall onto your side with your head landing in Tom’s lap.

‘Night, night Tommy, I’m tired.’ You mutter sleepily as your eyes start to flutter shut.

‘Do you want me to put you to bed sleepy head?’ He says as he (still out of habit) starts to run his fingers through your hair.

‘No, I’m gonna sleep right here.’ You mutter as your curl your arm around Tom’s leg, much like a teddy.

‘Okay then,’ Tom smiles. ‘Night, night.’

‘Love you.’ You mutter as you doze off into a deep sleep.

Tom sits there in silence, unable to comprehend what he heard. So, he doesn’t say anything, as he removes you hand from his thigh as he lays onto his side.

Your couch is only small so in your tired daze, when you feel Tom move away you make grabby hands in his direction for him to come back.

So, he doesn’t move to the other couch, instead he lays beside you with his back facing you. He doesn’t wrap his arm around you (as much as he wants to) because he doesn’t know what you’re going to be like in the morning, or what your reaction will be.

So, he smiles, as his mind repeats the two words you had muttered just before, as he falls asleep right by your side.

-

You wake up and you feel a weight over torso as you lay on your side. You look down to see an arm and you tilt your head back to see that it was Tom. He’s fast asleep and looking as soft and peaceful as ever.

Tom being a heavy sleeper, you sit up slowly and rest your back against the arm of the couch you two had passed out on. Tom stirs for a moment but doesn’t wake up as he moves and places his head on your lap and continues to sleep.

It’s all familiar, this position. Mornings like these had happened so often and you couldn’t help yourself, but you started running your fingers through his hair.

You haven’t noticed the light throbbing in your head due to the alcohol you had drank last night and thought about what had happened the night before.

With all events coming back to your head, you laughed at the memory of you two watching Netflix and your stupid reaction to the sex scene.

Then you remember passing out and that being the end of the night.

You notice Tom start to stir and you feel panic starting to form. You stop running your fingers through his hair, but you don’t have anything to, nothing to distract yourself with.

‘Don’t stop.’ You hear come from his mouth and he moves his arms and grab onto your thigh and hugged it like a teddy.

You smile as Tom moves his hand around to locate yours and then moves your hand so you can continue to run your fingers through his hair.

You didn’t want this to end. You thought you were in one of the final steps of getting over him but now you were thrust straight back into the deep end. You didn’t want things to become awkward between you again and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to handle being ‘just friends’ without having to take bathroom breaks to pull yourself back together.

You were going to treasure this until the end, the moment where everything felt right for the first time in what felt like too long.

But you also knew that you shouldn’t feel like this. Tom was over you. He didn’t like you anymore. He was over you and had found someone else.

You were now confused on why this man was lying on your couch with his head in your lap if he didn’t like you anymore.

Shouldn’t he be with the one he actually has feelings for?

Your curiosity was starting to eat away at your insides and as much as you didn’t want this end, you had to know.

‘Tom?’ You say with a sick feeling, not wanting to face the outcome of this information.

‘Yeah?’

‘Why are you here?’ You ask quietly.

Tom sits up and you almost whine as your thighs are greeted with the cold air, no longer kept warm by Tom’s body heat.

‘You called me last night, or do you not remember?’ He asks slowly, as if he’s now worried where this conversation will go.

‘No, no, I remember what happened. Watched Orange is the New Black, covered your eyes from the sex scene and fell asleep.’ You smiled, almost wishing that you hadn’t started this conversation.

‘That’s all you remember? You didn’t remember what you said?’ Tom asks, now very nervous.

‘Did I say something embarrassing?’ You joke, trying to swallow your nerves.

‘It wasn’t really embarrassing…’ Tom says, trailing off while playing with his hands.

Something he does when he’s nervous.

‘What did I say?’ You smile nervously, as your fingers start to tap your thigh, another nervous habit.

‘When you were about to fall asleep,’ Tom started as he ran his fingers through his hair.

‘You muttered ‘love you’.’

You feel your breath catch in your throat.

‘But I understand it’s just the general best friend love we have for one another. Don’t worry, I understand.’ Tom starts ranting.

‘And I know that you’re over me, I know this now. God, I texted you. I texted ‘her’, like you told me to, and she didn’t reply in the way I wanted to. You didn’t reply like I wanted you to.’ Tom says, his voice now weak.

He’s shaking and it scares you.

As it clicks in your head, you look down at your fingers that are now resting in your lap. You move them forward and hold Tom’s hands in yours.

‘Y/N, I asked you for ideas even though I know you so well. I wanted you to know and realise but you didn’t. You know I’ve never been that good with properly talking about this stuff and I didn’t want to have to see that look on your face if you didn’t like me anymore. It just hurts so much because I know that you’ve moved on, but I feel like I can’t even put one foot forward without taking two steps back.’ Tom says with tears in his eyes.

You knew that you needed to say something, before he starts to continue on with his rant and you really couldn’t stand to see him with any tears in his eyes.

‘Tom, goddamnit I know that you’re bad at it, I know you’re with communicating our emotions like this, but I wish that you would’ve just come out and said it.’ you said, looking to so Tom could also see the tears in your eyes for the first time.

‘All your stuff is in a box, packed away so I can’t touch it. I forced myself to put in away because here, when I was alone, I would only wear it. I couldn’t stand being without you. I brought too many new hoodies, so I had an excuse to not wear yours. I brought them in a larger size so I could feel like I was wearing yours even though I wasn’t. I kept that though pushed away because I didn’t want to admit it.’ You said, wanting Tom to know that it hasn’t been easy for you either.

‘And that night in the pub, when you were with her, I swear it was like my heart broke all over again. I drank shots so the burn in my throat would numb the pain that I felt in my chest. Waking up next to you that morning scared me because I didn’t want to find out that it was just a ‘drunken mistake’ for you. I left before I could find out. I don’t even know why we broke up. Tom, I still love you and I doubt I will ever stop loving you. You’re the one who knows me the best and sometimes it scares me, but I wouldn’t want anyone to know me as well as you do.’

Tom smiled and you returned it. It was as if you could feel your heart being pieced back together after it being broken for so long.

He leant forward and kissed you and you knew that your heart was back in one piece. Kissing him felt like home and with his arms wrapped around your torso, you always felt safe.

You sat on his lap, just like you did that other night, the last time you kissed, and you couldn’t get over how good it felt. You were overwhelmed with how right this felt and how at home you felt.

When you both broke away from the kiss, you both look deep breathes and smiled at each other. You could feel Tom toying with the bottom of your t-shirt, and you took a deep breath as you lifted up your shirt.

You softly kissed his cheek and lasted the dried saltiness of his tears. As you wiped his cheeks to rid any dry tears, Tom started to lie back down on the couch. You went back to kissing as your love’s arms were still wrapped around you.

You both smile into the kiss as Tom slowly started to move his hips, testing out the waters, to see how you were feeling about where this kiss may lead.

You join Tom and move your hips in time with his. Your kisses slowly start to speed up and become much needier. Your breaths come out heavier and a moan slips from your mouth and at that noise, Tom also groans.

With your smiles and your movements, you knew that this time it’s going to end well.

You both knew.

-

Tom runs his fingers through your hair as your rest your head on his bare chest. You traced random shapes on his chest, enjoying this moment in time. One hand was still linked with Tom’s as it was during your actions prior.

Sure, the sex was always good but that silence after was what you loved the most. It was what made you feel at home.

Nothing was needed to be said between you two.

You knew that you didn’t need Tom, you could have continued on without him, but without him, you felt as if half of you was missing.

It was no longer in your head, instead your head was on his chest.

[wannawrite]

not my type

who?: Wanna One’s Ong Seongwoo genre: 🌸 type: bullet point

blog navigator.

University! AU 

you don’t date younger guys

but you just might ;)

thanks for requesting! this was quite difficult to write since I am a child still lol. Do note that Seongwoo is 20 in this work of fiction. ⁃ admin l

disclaimer: pictures used do not belong to me and credit goes to their original owners everything that is written here is purely fictional DO NOT READ IF TRIGGERING

~

so,,,your love life 

not that exciting 

in fact, it is facing a drought at the moment 

reality is harsh huh? 

or maybe it is because of your high standards 

1. No younger guys 

2. Must be a nice person 

3. Someone I could foresee marrying 

but none of your blind dates left you impressed

and then there’s this kid from the music block called Ong Seongwoo 

he’s just one of the guys trying to worm his way into your ‘possible boyfriend’ list 

scarily enough, his tactics were working

~

we gon throw this waayyy back when y’all met 

frat parties were never your thing

in fact, f*ck linda and this stupid party, I just want to go home and sleep 

you love your roommate and all but you couldn’t help but curse her out 

after all, she had dragged you to this party thrown by one of the music department frat guys 

and left you stranded 

in a hallway with at least 3 couples passionately making out 

tonight was not your night at all 

you hated the loud, shitty music and the smell of sweat and liquor 

appalling 

but linda was your ride here and there was a slim chance of hailing a cab right now 

you had no choice but to suck it up and rough it out 

Another issue

you needed to finish that essay on sustainable fashion before the 6am deadline 

shit 

gr8 job prof 

all-nighter? 

borrow a laptop from someone and do it now? 

what the hell 

which person would bring a laptop to a frat party? 

unless you can break into one of their rooms and take one??1?1?11

you almost slap yourself at the idea

dumb worried bitch energy 

sis is out of ideas and just wants to graduate be a little empathetic, folks 

you want to sit down on the floor and sink into a puddle of goo 

oh no 

there’s no way you are going to maintain this 3.9 GPA lmaoo

you move to wrestle Linda away from one of the frat guys 

but hollers and cheers stop you

a group of guys block your path as they welcome yet another friend 

but get this! the newcomer has a laptop case in his hands!! 

he appears to have just come from a lecture or meeting 

bUT HE HAS A LAPTOP YAYAYAYAYA

now, all you had to do was to stalk him, suck up to him and steal borrow the device 

sucking up to one of these frat boys was easy 

their brains had been bruised with bud lights so they weren’t the brightest of the bunch 

before you know it, he’s whisked away by his friends and dissolved into the crowd 

crap 

you really, genuinely, wholly, need this laptop 

They would help a fellow college student in need, right?

left with no choice, you elbow your way through  

I suppose your efforts pay off 

bc you catch him as he’s headed upstairs 

barely 

“hey!” you yell over the noise. “I-I...” 

the mystery guy only stares, quizzically 

suddenly, you’ve lost all ability to form coherent sentences 

this is embarrassing!

hE JUST LOOKING 

sis gotta calm down 

remember the real reason: laptop

“c-can i borrow your laptop real quick? I have a d-deadline tonight” 

mystery boy says nothing 

...

“What’s it in for me? If i lend you my laptop?”

he tries to remain serious but the corners of his mouth are tugging up

sneaky

desperation is pretty much flooding your body 

you wld say f*ck it but you can’t 

“I’ll owe you a favour!” you blurt out thoughtlessly. 

*crickets chirping* 

hope is slowly beginning to fade and your brain is coming up with extension excuses 

just crumbs,,,anything

Orbits gg thru with the drought

when he goes 

“okay”

JESUS THANK YOU 

he beckons for you to follow him 

oh?😏😉

“I know a better work environment than here.” 

oh. 

“What’s your name? I’m y/n, it’s my third year.” 

“Woah, third year? my name’s ong seongwoo. I just got here.” 

huh, freshman 

seongwoo doesn’t say much after

he leads you to a common study area in the enormous fraternity house 

you turn away as he sets up the laptop and everything bc privacy!!!

but the number of brain cells you have left won’t allow you to remember his login details anyway 

“thanks,” you murmur bashfully 

well, this is an expected and rather awkward situation 

seongwoo plants himself in the chair a few seats away from yours 

he pulls out study materials from his backpack 

??? hello? sis, u shld be enjoying the party downstairs ???

you try to shift your fullest attention on your project 

but!! his presence alone is so loud prominent, it’s giving you a hard time keeping your eyes off😔🤧

anyway u manage to suck it up and finish paper and submit it just in time! 

a miracle 

maybe he is your angel ;)

you turn to face him and,,,seongwoo has fallen asleep!! on his books!! 

his hair is slightly tousled and his glasses rest askew on his face 

papers flap in his face but he’s too gone to care 

the poor child is tired 

💓💖💕soft hours💕💖💓: open

gently, you tap his shoulder 

“seongwoo? hey, um, your laptop,” 

he only stirs the 2nd time you call him

Cute

groggily, he covers his face and speaks into his hands 

he mumbles something about ‘dealing with it later’

you figure it would be best if you left him alone to nap 

suddenly, seongwoo grabs your arm 

at least, he reaches for it

“I need your number to claim that favour.” 

my number ????

for half a second, your heart does pitter patters 

he’s only being objective though...

and it was you who suggested it in the first place 

sighing, you punch your number into his phone 

“okay, but use it wisely and...try not to...call or text so much...”

that sounds rlly mean >:( 

“yeah i’ll keep that in mind.” 

there’s an underlying layer of...cheekiness? in seongwoo’s tone 

your brain jumps to the first conclusion it can think of 

“I don’t date younger guys, Seongwoo,” 

rEGRET FILLS YOUR ENTIRE BEING IMMEDIATELY AFTER 

now, Seongwoo looks up and beams broadly 

“Bold of you to assume I’m interested,” he taunts playfully 

red sinks into your face and you defend yourself in splutters 

“I’m not interested in general! I’m prioritising my studies and everything else! It was just to make sure you know where we stand-“ 

futile, really 

“relax,” he replies. “Just saying, I could change your mind.” 

Cocky 

but true lol

an amused scoff leave your lips and your arms go akimbo

“I’d like to see you try, freshman.” 

~

*back to the present* 

You: really, Seongwoo. I don’t see why you can’t drop by the printing station yourself 

Seongwoo: you are seated RIGHT NEXT to it. Just fold the papers into aeroplanes and fly them over 

You: a 15-page research paper ?? That clearly says ‘do not bend’ 

Seongwoo: ignore it. Throw it over 

you never predicted this was where life would take you 

here you were, sat in the library, the table by the printing room 

and Seongwoo was seated a few tables away, texting you to collect his freshly printed document

just because 

You: Oh my god shut up you’ll get points deducted if your paper is the least bit crumpled 

You: i’ll just bring it over 

so,,,you did 

you brought seongwoo’s papers over to his table 

he had been watching from afar, lips pulled into a dumb smile

“thank you, senior.” 

boy had the audacity to say that in front of your salad 

just to tease him, you reply: 

“yeah, senior, just how I like my future boyfriend.” 

with that remark, the smile slips off seongwoo’s face and his jaw clenches

but he tries to play it off all cool😎🤧

you shoot the sweetest smile you can muster before skipping back to your table 

*beep beep*

I nearly put vibrate -

Seongwoo: that doesn’t count as using my favour card! 

your head shakes, but your mouth smiles 

it was no secret that seongwoo had a small! crush on you 

even if it was, everyone knew 

his whole frat and most of his seniors 

your friends and roommates 

the whole bloody campus 

this relationship started out with seongwoo following you on ig

then occasionally dropping a text and wishing you well 

he also hyped up all your pics 

and said hi whenever you bumped into each other 

it escalated to meeting up for brunch or a movie 

just...as friends, casually 

but you enjoyed his company and goofing around much more than some blind dates 

now, texting him was a regular 

going out was common 

and you haven’t even counted the number of times you guys met at social events 

sometimes, he made you feel so✨ special, precious, wanted by doing the smallest things 

like a tea on your table 

or going the extra mile to cheer you up 

most of the time at the expense of his handsome face 

he was always,,,there

you did find out about his feelings, though he never addressed them fully

it was fun!! to press his buttons as a friend 

“yeah idk abt dating someone younger. Wbu?” 

“Hmm. Senior year makes everyone 10x hotter.” 

thOSE WERE JOKES 

BANTER, PEOPLE, BANTER 

but...you weren’t certain if that would turn into something more 

you know, you hadn’t given dating someone younger a thought 

it never crossed your mind 

maybe it was a subconscious deal breaker 

you were always quick to bring age into making deals 

old broken deals could be made new 

the concept was incredibly foreign 

my boyfriend? younger? 

Personally, you could never see that happen 

b-but seongwoo made you sO DAMN HAPPY ALL THE TIME 

there was sunshine in his smiles

and starlight in his eyes 

ᵕ꒳ᵕ

uGh fEELINGS 

but is this attraction? 

Eventually, after many sleepless nights, up thinking about this, you made up your mind

If he made a move first, 

bc ur scared 

you would be hella open to dating him 

f*ck that ‘older people only’ rule 

(⁄˘⁄ ⁄ ω⁄ ⁄ ˘⁄)♡

[3.06am] seongwoo leaves a voicemail. He says, “hey, will you go on a date with me? I like you.”

[3.14am] seongwoo leaves another voicemail. “I’ll use my favour card if I have to. Just give me a chance.” 

anD HOLY F*CK YOU DON’T knOW HOW TO ACT AFTER HEARING THOSE 

RIGHT WHEN YOU WAKE UP 

yOur heaRT IS FLUTTERING AND YOU CAN FEEL THE BLUSH COMING 

UGH SWEETHEART YOU GOT IT BAD 

so u jump on this bandwagon and call him asap 

it goes straight to voicemail but you don’t leave one 

hehe

you know,,,to build suspense 

all day long, that’s all you can think about 

SeoNGWOO LIKES ME?

~

[8.17am] seongwoo wakes up to a silent voicemail from you 

he doesn’t know what to think of it 

he dials your number with shaking hands and before you can utter a word, he rushes, “meet me at xxx cafe at 11am” 

then hangs up 

Tumblr: 101 cafe date outfit ideas

Seongwoo arrives early and orders a drink while waiting 

he also picks out a window booth to sit at 

his nerves could eat him alive if they teamed up 

what would you say to him? 

how badly did you react to his 3am confession 

getting mildly intoxicated on Daniel’s stash was a horrible idea

he spilt all his secret uwus

the bell chimes 

and all his attention is focused on you 

your eyes land on him 

a smile graces your face as you walk over 

“I like you too.” 

“Damn, you better not be messing with me right now,” seongwoo nervously chuckles. “I know I sent you th-“ 

“Oh my god! I like you!” 

For a moment, his smart mouth runs dry, surprised 

“Oh wow, what happened to your older guys only rule?”

You smack his chest in mock annoyance

“Rules are made to be broken! Let’s not talk about that.” You turn various shades of red 

Grinning like the Chesire cat, Seongwoo teases, “And that’s the beauty of it.” 

[dxmedstudent]

I genuinely think I've lost myself since I started working as a doctor. What are my hobbies any more? My free time is spent on life admin and just catching up with friends (all important of course) but I genuinely have nothing else. And free time not spent doing the above is spent recovering from a gruelling week just to do it all over again T-T

I get this. I really, really do. You’re not really an adult until you finish an on-call stretch and you’re barely functional, but you really need to clean the flat, and the life admin has built up to dangerous levels, so you summon your inner Adult Strength ™ to do the boring stuff. I hate life admin (and its even more frustrating cousin, Things You Have To Do For Training That Are Boring But Necessary), but it has to get done. There’s a whole layer of hoop jumping and box ticking that I only put up with because I like the patient part of medicine. And forcing yourself to do the paperwork part is not easy.   Even socialising becomes something you have to prompt yourself to do, sometimes. Do I want to reply to 4986 messages after an on-call? Honestly, sometimes I have to reply in waves because nobody has the energy for when your entire friends list seem to have contacted you all at once. Despite that, I’m glad that I have a lot of people who care for me, and that we support each other. And most importantly, that we understand when we each need space. It’s really important to surround yourself with people who get what you are going through, and don’t judge you or play mind games or feel ignored if you are busy or exhausted. Medics are more likely to understand, but that isn’t to say that your non medic friends won’t be reasonable. I’m not going to lie, I too struggle to find the time to do the things I want to do. I do manage to find some time between life admin, studies, work and social life, but it’s a vanishingly small amount of time compared to the things I want to do. So much so, that I find I can rarely focus on more than one or two interests at once. I either have time to draw, or read. I either have time to listen to music or watch a film. I either pick up a new anime/manga or … etc. So I can go ages without doing a particular thing I love doing, because I just don’t have the time to, and end up prioritising something else. Currently, the hobbies out in the cold are reading and knitting. And playing games. And lots of things I’ve probably forgotten right now. I find I have to let my inspiration dictate what I do, more than I used to. Sure, if I have to do something, then I’ll do it. But anything other than absolute necessity? Like hobbies? I really have to want to do it. It’s like I use up all my ‘effort points’ at work, so when it comes to my spare time, I let my inspiration lead. It’s a little sad for me, because when I was in school, I loved Classical Civilisation, and reading, and learning languages, and all sorts of things that I can’t really do or explore right now because there just isn’t enough time in the day or energy in my tank. I just can’t do everything I want to. And that’s hard to admit.  And life is so exhausting much of the time; Some evenings, after a particularly bad day, I literally sit there sometimes feeling like my brain is in a fog, and then try to work out what I can do that evening or that day to be vaguely productive. Maybe it’ll be chatting with a friend, or drawing something, or doing a bit of revision, or something else. But it’s a conscious struggle to avoid just having an early night because I’m that tired. And sometimes all I can do is sit there and pick an ask to answer that isn’t taxing. Until I feel I’ve got enough energy to do something else.  I’ve learned how to differentiate so many different types of fatigue and exhaustrion from experience, and had some pretty interesting conversations with friends with fatigue disorders about it. All I can say is that anyone with a fatigue disorder has my utmost respect, given the monster they are dealing with. Art is almost always something I prioritise, because I love doing my comic, and I don’t really want it to end. But lately I got tired of only drawing chibi doctors and med students for years, and I needed a break, so I focused on our D&D characters for a while.  Because believe me, just about all the time and energy I could muster for drawing was going into the comic. My life became much narrower, and my art became sketchier, more rushed, more exausted and more limited than it  was before. I feel it’s less creative, even. And my skills and creativity have atrophied a little bit. But at least I’m drawing. I’m doing something. And tomorrow, I’ll be doing something else. I’m not giving up, even if medicine dominates my world, I won’t let it completely take over. I still get to do lots of the things I love, even if it isn’t as often as I’d like. And that’s an achievement I can’t put in any CV, and doesn’t sound great in an interview. But it’s a huge achievement for me. And at least you’re still doing something. You’re socialising with friends, and you’re keeping your life on track. Perhaps you can focus on one interest at a time, and try to make a little more time for it each week? And when you feel like a change, you can change to another passion of yours? I find focusing on one thing (whatver I feel inspired to do) helps for me, rather than getting overwhelmed by all the things I want to do and can’t. But it’s  still difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I love medicine, and most of the time when I’m actually out there doctoring, I’m happy. I don’t have a problem with long shifts, or nights, or our silly, silly timetables per se. It’s actually something you get surprisingly used to. When I’m on an on-call stretch, it’s really easy for my life to just become medicine. There are plenty of shifts where I leave work feeling like I’ve done something good. But you’re right that it’s a huge sacrifice, and no matter how much we knew that it would be tough going in, it has all sorts of effects we might not have forseen. I hope everyone out there struggling with combining medicine with having some sembalance of a life and keeing their hobbies going manages to get the balance they want. Fingers crossed for us all.

[sleepyfantasy]

Smiling With Teeth: Chapter One

This fic is also online on AO3, but as I suck at technology, the fake texts that are kind of a big feature of this fic, are not on it. 

He found himself staring.

It wasn’t entirely his fault.

There were two factors in his brain working against him.

1.       The part of his brain which was incredibly aware of the desperate situation he was in wouldn’t let him look away, trying to persuade him to finally do something.

2.       There was so much to look at.

If only he had started this essay, which had been set a week ago, before today, the final day before deadline. It was in for midnight.

Everything would have been fine, he convinced himself, if not for the fact the dorm wifi had cut out just as he was about to start the essay sitting in the dorm, meaning he couldn’t access the site he had been told to write the essay on. Even then, everything would have been fine had the power to the dorm not gone out overnight so that while his laptop was plugged in, it was doing nothing useful. Even then, everything would have been fine if it had not been the final week before the January exam period at the local university, meaning that the only 24-hour café nearby with free wifi was packed to the brim.

In conclusion, the universe was working against him.

He was trying to focus on the essay but the flashing battery symbol in the corner of his screen was like a magnet to his eyes. Once he had glanced at that, his eyes were drawn to the solution. There was a single free outlet in the whole room.

This single free outlet, the only solution he could find to his problem, happened to be next to a table with a young woman focussed entirely on typing on her laptop, which was plugged into the outlet next to the one that presented Rowoon’s salvation. She had books splayed over the entire table in front of her and she occasionally picked one up to flick through before returning it to the table and once again typing furiously on her laptop.

Her back was to him so he couldn’t see her face, or what she was doing on the laptop beyond killing the keyboard with harsh strokes. The jacket draped over the back of the chair was a shade of green only a little brighter than the left half of her hair. The right half of her hair was a pastel purple in a similar brightness to the green half, making the odd colour combination match in a weird way.

He closed his eyes, sighed and shook his head.

This was no time to be contemplating the hair of a girl he had never even met. This essay needed to get done, and soon. Youngbin would kill him if he didn’t get it done in time, and to be honest, he would be mad enough at himself, knowing it would reflect badly on the whole of Neoz.  

Everyone else had finished theirs days ago. Somehow, even Dawon, king of procrastination, had done his. Rowoon felt bad for being the last one but in his defence, he had thought it was in for the next week. This meant he had prioritised practising his singing for the monthly assessment, which was in three days. He had just thought everyone else was being eager, getting theirs done early. He hadn’t even thought about the fact that it made sense that they would discuss the essays at the review.

The girl started fiddling with her hair, which was half pulled up in two buns, one purple, one green, black roots showing through in between. There was a piece on the right-hand side which seemed to be defying gravity, sticking out horizontally from her head. It was only small. There was very little chance he would have noticed it, had she not been absent-mindedly  trying to get it to lay flat.

He ran a hand down his face.

Essay!

He needed to get it done. Like most people, he hated writing about himself. So, this was the worst. He had been set the task of writing five thousand words on who he was as a person. All he had so far was nearly a thousand words on how he liked sports. And he was stuck.

Suddenly, his laptop let out a sad noise, the flashing battery symbol was now flashing red with an exclamation mark over it. Then came an alert sound, accompanied by a pop-up telling him he should think about plugging his laptop in soon. As if it hadn’t been all he had been thinking about for the whole hour since he had arrived at the café.

Rowoon decided to wait another five minutes, hoping someone would finish their work and go home in that time so that he could take their spot and their outlet, before he went to beg the girl to let him use the outlet at her table.

Looking back at his essay, he started writing his tenth consecutive sentence saying essentially the same thing; he likes soccer.

Then, only a minute or two later, when he had moved on to talking about baseball, another pop-up appeared on his screen. This one was more forceful, telling him that his battery was critically low and he needed to plug his laptop in immediately.

A stream of curses filling his head, he scoured the room one last time for a clear space with an outlet. When his eyes didn’t find what he was hoping for, he gathered his things to move.

Due to the café being so ridiculously full, to get to her table, it was impossible to walk in a straight line. He had to walk a long way around, still having to squeeze past tables on the easiest path. The route he took meant that he was now approaching her from the front. He saw her face for the first time as she sat, brow furrowed, concentrating hard on what was on her screen. The main thing that stood out to him was that she was not Korean. She wasn’t even Asian. Her skin was pale and her features Western looking.

Korean or not, however, he still needed her to share her table. He did worry that she might not speak Korean, but hoped she did, at least enough to get by.

Approaching her slowly, waiting for an opportunity to speak to her without interrupting too much, he grabbed his moment when she took a sip out of her mug of what he assumed was coffee to get her through a long night of studying.

“Excuse me,” he said, making her jump. He realised why when he saw her reach to remove her headphones from her ears. She wouldn’t have heard him coming if she was listening to music.

As she removed her headphones, she looked up at him, a confused expression on her face.

He worried her confusion was because she didn’t understand what he had said, so when he spoke again, he spoke really quite slowly. “Is it alright if I sit here? I need to charge my laptop.” He pointed to the free outlet next to where her laptop was plugged in and pointed to his own laptop, trying to make it clear what he wanted, even if she couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Then, almost the worst thing he could have imagined happened.

She replied, in perfect, unbroken, almost unaccented Korean, “Oh, of course. Don’t worry about it. I’ll just move my books, one second.”

He was mortified.

She must just not have heard what he said at first.

What must she think? He could only assume she thought he was racist and had decided because she was foreign she would be unable to speak Korean. Then he thought of something worse, what if she just thought he was really slow?

Feeling lucky that she had turned away briefly to tidy her things, he ran one of his hands, cold from holding his iced coffee drink, over his face to remove at least some of the flush that had risen to his cheeks.

Once she had cleared a space for him, she looked up at him and smiled. He noticed her nose was pierced, two crossed over hoops going through the left-hand side, and she was wearing dark-ish nude lipstick with dark eyeliner making her green eyes pop even more than they already did in an area where almost everyone had brown. As if eyes weren’t already one of the most noticeable things about her, she was also wearing a white crop top covered in drawings of eyes.

As he took his seat opposite her, plugging his laptop in and receiving a happy ‘bing’ from the tired machine in response, he stared once again at his horribly written essay. She must have noticed he was more than a little stressed, because she said, “Last week of university kicking your butt too?” It took him a second to understand what she had said because it was a very informal sentence, but she was using honorifics, presumably to make sure she didn’t offend him. From looking at her, he found it likely that she was younger than him. She barely even looked old enough to be at university. It didn’t help that she was kind of tiny. He could imagine, if she stood up, she would be maybe 162cm, which was ridiculously small next to his 189cm. As if reading his mind, she added, “How old are you, by the way?”

“Something like that,” he told her. “I have an essay that’s kicking my butt. And I’m 19.”

“So you’re in second year then?” she asked.

He shook his head, noting her confused expression returning. “I don’t go to university. I’m a trainee.”

“Training to be what?” Despite her ferocity in working earlier, she seemed to have lost all interest in what she was doing. She just wanted to talk to him. He couldn’t blame her really, she had been here already when he had arrived, and already looked pretty settled in. He guessed she had been working for at least two hours already, possibly more.

“To be an idol,” he told her. It wasn’t something he often had to clarify, but he assumed the music system wherever she was from wasn’t anything like theirs.

It didn’t take her even a second to respond, “You have to write essays for that?” looking confused once again.

Starting to open his mouth, he didn’t manage to even get a sound out before she spoke again.

“Sorry, of course you do, you’re writing one now.” She spoke quickly, having realised that she had been borderline rude and might have insulted him without meaning to.

Chuckling slightly at her flustered look, he told her, “We don’t normally. This is the first time. I have to write about myself and it’s painful.”

Once again, she responded without thinking first. “Really? Because I’ve known you all of a minute and I could write about you for hours.” The last word was barely out of her mouth before she clamped a hand over her traitorous lips, looking horrified at what had fallen out of them. “I am so sorry,” she told him. “This is why I don’t normally drink coffee but I needed to stay awake to get this done.”

He let out a full laugh this time. Smile still pulling at his lips as he asked, “What is it you’re doing?”

Face bright red and hands still covering her mouth, reminding him a little of Hwiyoung, she told him, “Just an essay, like you. Sadly, I haven’t had time until now to do it because all of my lecturers have set me work this week. I have already done five other essays just this week. It’s like lecturers forget you don’t only take their module.” She paused, final pulling her hands away from her mouth. “Sorry, too much information, right? It’s the coffee. I’m not normally this talkative.”

Laughing again, despite feeling a little guilty for complaining about the only assignment he had been set this week to someone who had been buried under so much work, he said, “Don’t worry about it. I needed cheering up so I could focus better on this. I have to finish it by midnight and still have no idea what I’m going to write.”

“My deadline is midnight too!” she blurted out. Then she said, calmer, “Unimportant, sorry again. I’m going to shut up now.”

They both got back to work, her kicking herself for her mouth running away with her and him smiling about the very same thing. He glanced up at her one last time, her face hidden behind her laptop which he now noticed was covered with a case decorated with watercolour flowers. It was much prettier than his boring black protective case. A Neoz sticker was the closest his laptop got to decoration. He started typing again, a thought in the back of his mind to find more stickers for his laptop case. 

Next Chapter

Masterlist

[dxmedstudent]

Hi doc! I am really interested in getting into freelancing (perhaps in writing or coding). I know that you do freelance work in art; would you mind giving me some advice on where I could start and your experience and motivation into monetising your passion?

Hello! what an interesting question, I don’t think I’ve beenasked this before. I wrote half a reply (which tumblr ate, very helpful. This happens notinfrequently because I write long replies and always have a million tabs open.But I digress…) so it’s taken me a little while to complete it. I’d also liketo ask for anyone with relevant experience to chip in, because I think there’sa lot of variation and it might be nice to hear from more than one person. I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this, but I’ll give it my best shot,then I’ll open the floor to all sorts of smart and busy people who have a loton their plates, and who will probably be able to add much more. Yup, I love to draw, it’s fun, but it’s time consuming, and mostly I prefer todo it for fun rather than to fulfil requests or commissions (which can bereally fun, too, but are also an obligation, and something you have toprioritise, and not something that’s fun to juggle around full-time work). I’mlucky that my day job is something I genuinely enjoy, even if it is tiring,emotionally draining, exhausting, makes me work all hours, overruns, issometimes depressing, takes up a lot of spare time, and ties me into doing alot of work outside of work to stay relevant and train up. Really, it’s morefun than I make it sound! But because I know what I like, and what I want, I’m happy with thecompromise I have. I can’t draw nearly as much as I like, but I have astable (if time-consuming and exhausting) job that I enjoy and that gives meexperiences I value. I’m OK with drawing sometimes, and picking my projectscarefully. Right now, my ploughing all my energy full time into being an artistwouldn’t work for me. If that changes, then I’ll re-evaluate what I want out ofmy life.What’s in a day job?So enough about me, I’m actually not very relevant XD I’m an outsider in theranks of tumblr artists, most of whom spend a lot more time drawing, probablyless time liking their non-drawing day jobs. So I’m not going to pretend whatworks for me works for everyone. You don’t actually specify your day job, so I guess might not be medicine;that’s not what your ask is about. But what your day job is, matters. You implythat your passion may lie outside of what you work/study (or were yousuggesting mine does?), and this in itself matters. Do you like what you aredoing as your day job now? Do you love it? Do you see yourself carryingon with it, or would you eventually like to leave altogether? Traditionally, some jobs or fields of interest have been less valued or lessfinancially stable on average, giving us the setup of ‘day job’ which providessome sort of financial stability whilst people pick up their passions on theside. Now, that doesn’t necessarily hold true for everyone; I know graphic designersand musicians etc making their day job and their passion one and the same. Buta lot of people don’t have the experience in the field they are passionateabout, (or perhaps the financial means) to go professional from the get-go. Andthat’s OK; what works is different for everyone. There’s nothing wrong withloving your day job and just wanting to do something you like on the side(which happens to make a lil money). And there’s equally nothing wrong withfinding your day job dreary but deciding that it’s OK, gives you time to dowhat you love, and pays the bills. When is a day job not a ‘day job’? When it’s medicine. As a job, it’s reasonable; it’s got some awesome bits andsome terrible bits, and if you read my blog then you’ll know that whether thegood is worth the bad depends a lot on the individual. But it’s not a ‘day job’in the classical sense. If your passion lies outside of work, you want a jobthat is unobtrusive, relatively untaxing, and provides reasonable stability andpay without expecting you to do a lot outside of the 9-5. Medicine is mostlylong, irregular hours and staying late. It’s studying for 5+ years atuniversity only to still be a complete noob, and have to do more scary exams afteryou graduate. It’s projects and audits and presentations and teaching youprepare outside of work hours, and hoops you have to jump through during theyear to prove you’re sufficiently doctor-y to keep doctoring. And that’swithout even mentioning that it’s emotionally draining (people shout at you,people die), stressful (see above), tiring and if you work in the UK theybasically make you move hospital every year, and move speciality every severalmonths. You might even have to move all over the country. It pays OK, but atthe junior level when you are starting out, it’s not much different to yourfriends in 9-5 jobs (and they actually get evenings, weekends, bank holidaysand time to write!!!). Sure, you’d earn more eventually, but that’s only assumingyou put in all the effort to get to the top, which you will probably not wantto do if you really, really want to focus on your passion. So the eventual ‘gain’ may not justify the negatives, if you don’t lovemedicine for itself. Unless you love it, then it’s ‘just a job’, and youshouldn’t feel forced to continue in medicine in the long run if you don’t likeit. If what you really want to do is something else like art or IT or writing,don’t forget to find a day job that makes it more manageable for you. What are the more flexible options withmedicine?Now, full-time medicine is time-consuming. And medicine is hierarchical; youusually can’t just jet a ‘normal’ doctor job and plug away at it 9-5 withoutworrying about training; there are a lot of hoops to jump through because everyyear they expect you know more, do more, be a more senior doctor. Now, thereare exceptions. Some people choose to leave training and just take on what wecall ‘trust/staff grade jobs. These are jobs at a junior or middle level whichdon’t offer you any chance to progress (you’ll NEVER be paid more) or train up,but you don’t have to worry about the stress that comes with that. These areusually offered in specialities or deprtments where they are short of trainingdoctors; they are like a longterm stopgap. Some people do it for a short time(I did, to help me work out what I want to do) and others do it for a longtime.  This usually still requires funky hours. Another option is locuming; you take on short-term, last-minute shifts indepartments that are short. It pays more, but there’s no consistency orgurantee of jobs; you may find yourself inundated with shifts that needfilling, or there may be none. The NHS being understaffed, usually has lots ofshifts going that need filling, so some people do this whilst they are tryingto work out what they want to do, and a few people do it longterm. It pays,it’s flexible, but you don’t really get to work in a team or have a regularroutine. And like taking on trust grade jobs, there’s a little stigma attachedto doing it in the longterm, if I’m honest. Medicine being heirarchical (knowledgeand experience is respected and valued, and your seniors tell YOU what to do),choosing not to advance is often seen as a little weird, or at least a littlevague and indecisive. Nowadays so many people do it that it’s much more normal,but medicine is full of lots of really competitive people. To go these routesyou’ll have to be the kind of person who isn’t eaten up by the idea of notbeing a top surgeon/neurologist/etc one day. There’s also the option of going into general practice and choosing to workpart time, as many do. In standard hospital medicine, you usually need a reasonto go part time (like kids or an illness) but going part-time in GP land ismuch easier, and the training is less long. So it’s a more flexible option, butthe job is not easy, and GP should never be the ‘I don’t want to do medicinebut I want to get paid’ choice. You’ll burn out. It’s really not a cakewalklike some hospital docs think.It might be that you don’t work in UK medicine, so this bit might all becompletely irrelevant for you, but I’m putting it out there because it’lllikely be relevant for someone. Where do you see your passion going? My parents are fond of a saying that goes something like ‘if you do somethingas a hobby, it pays as a hobby’. Which is actually pretty true.  If youdabble in something just a little bit, well, it’ll never pay as much as if youtook it seriously. Time, effort, expertise, research, they all matter. This is key. A lot depends on just what you want to do in life. Where do you see yourself in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Are you someone who ishappy to draw for fun and for your friends? Would doing a few commissions nowand again keep you happy? Do you want to be a full-time concept artist? Sameapplies to coding or writing. There are people who self-publish the odd bookand are happy. There are others who want to work with a publisher. Would you behappy freelance coding apps etc or would you want coding to eventually be yourday job? There are people who write pop science books while being full-timedoctors, there are people who leave medicine altogether to do what they want.And there are people who go part-time and balance things out somehow. Somepeople make webcomics, others want to work for DC. It’s not always an either-orsituation, but work out what is important to you, what you’re happy to leaveand see if it happens, and what you don’t really care for. If you’re not surewhat you want, it’ll be a lot harder for you to get it. Seek out your seniors.I really, really recommend just properly immersing yourself in your field ofinterest. Join forums and networks, network with people in that field and ask alot of questions from those who work in it full time, or have a lot moreexperience than you. They have already spent a lot of time doing the thing thatyou’ve just started.  They may havewritten books that might be useful for you to read, or have tutorials thatmight help, or they might just be really happy to offer advice; most people arepretty kind when it comes to fellows with similar interests. You’ve clearlytaken at least one step (by writing to me) which is excellent, because it’sreally scary to go out there into a new community, and start asking questionsand making a presence, but that tends to be exactly the thing that matters ifyou are freelancing. But, you don’t just have to stick to people doing medicine and X, the widercommunity of your field will have a lot of knowledge that may be useful. Youalso may need to network professionally or even in person, and know who allyour local employers are. Now, the kinds of participation, networking, andsupport you can get and receive may differ depending on your fields; I don’tknow what the coding communities are like. It might be that what people aremostly doing/talking about doesn’t interest you. But there will still be lotsyou can learn.

In order to monetisethings, you need to have a good idea of where that money is coming from in yourfield. Is it going to be from individuals, or a company? How are people goingto find out about your services so they can contract them? The process ofmonetising writing is probably very different from the process of monetisingcoding, but this is precisely why the points I mentioned earlier (about whatyou want to do) are important. You’ll have to do a fair bit of research aboutthe fields you want to go into, to work out what your options are, and what youmight do. Social networking remains important in freelancing, and yet it’s alsoincredibly time-consuming. As is managing your online presence and branding,etc. Freelancing or running your own show effectively means you have to beeverything that you need. Want a website? You’ll have to either code somethingserviceable or pay someone to do it. Online presence and advertising? You’llhave to manage it. The list goes on.  Youget to decide how much time and effort you can put into it.  I’l remind you of the saying I mentionedearlier, though. In order to make things work, it usually requires a lot ofextra effort. For example, I am not a particularly active member of many other communities,but I know a lot of places where webcomic artists share tips (or artists ingeneral, authors etc), and where I can begin to get advice and tips, fromtutorials, resources and people.  AndI’ve spent a fair amount of spare time reading up on things that interest me andweighing up how to do things, and deciding if it’s right for what I want rightnow. For example, my comic (and I) I don’t have a facebook page or publicInstagram, twitter, LineWetoons, Tapastic etc not because I don’t know thosethings exist, but because maintaining an online presence and interacting withpeople who enjoy your work is very time consuming so I pick and choose where Iwant to spend that energy. However, if you want to monetise your talents, youmight need to spend a lot more time and effort (and potentially money) on yourpassion before it can grow to be something that pays dividends. Lastly, I’d advise you to take one step at a time. Monetising things doesn’tcome easily; lots of people on Tumblr are open about the fact that theystruggle to make the thing they love earn enough money to support them.  It can take years for people to build upenough of a following, supporters, clients etc to really make way in theirfield. Does this mean you should stop doing it? Not necessarily, but you shouldkeep your eyes open and learn from everyone’s collective knowledge andmistakes.Good luck :D